I didn't think it was ever going to be possible to see any tangible benefits from Carter's death. There may have been some time in the distant future where we get to help someone through a time similar to ours - just as a WONDERFUL woman has done for us - Thank you SO much Jesus for placing her in our path and our church! But I didn't see any reason to hope for answers or meaning beyond that.
The last 10 days I was in California for my first Christmas there in 12 years. We were there about 5 years ago and a couple of times before that but not for Christmas since December of 95. I don't like traveling with babies on flights b/c you can't explain to them to stay in their seat when the seatbelt light is on - etc. Carter being gone was the primary reason we were able to make that trip.
While there I got to see my 85+ year old grandfather whom I have been close to since my childhood. When my mom and dad would date I would go spend the night at Grandad's house and we would have so much fun. He would play this magic penny game with me where he would show me it in one spot, make it disapear and then reappear in another. We would watch old John Wayne movies, have oreo cookies and 7-up, go to dennys for breakfast and just have a blast in general. He is a strong man - almost invinceable in my eyes - but he has finally hit a road that will lead him to either a drastically reduced quality of life or a shorter lifespan than he may have been able to achieve. He recently got mouth cancer and while they managed to cut all of it out, the radiation hurts and can make him not want to eat. If he opts out of radiation the cancer may return quickly. What a catch-22 huh? I am glad he got to meet Hailey and see the kids and Jen and I again. That is something I wouldn't have done if Carter was still here.
For some reason the Lord had been putting my biological father on my heart since around fall of 06. We had been communicating and he even said he would try to make it out here to visit last summer. He got some health issues that made it unreasonable to travel but since I was in California for Christmas I was able to take the family to his place where he showed us his work and then took us to lunch. I just saw my biological father for the FIRST TIME IN 18 YEARS. That wouldn't have happened if Carter was still here.
Finally, The first time I took Chelsea back to california to meet my folks she was an infant. It was somewhere in that timeframe (maybe it started with I took Jon Jon, but it was one of those) but it was somewhere in that realm that I developed a fear of flying. Never had it before that. I was in the Air Force for pete's sake. But the truth is I have been afraid to fly for 15 years or so. Before we flew this time I wanted to research turbulence b/c that is what really scares me - not having control over a plane that feels out of control. I read a blog from a pilot who answered questions from random people and he addressed that a lot. He talked about how they slow down to help the plane maintain tolerances, they try different altitudes (as long as there isn't another plane in the area that prevents that) and I witnessed on the flight exactly that. The pilot announced the seatbelt sign, reassured us we were safe but that there was bumps ahead. I felt the plane slow down, and a couple of times I felt it change altitude. There was reason and logic - rationalization to the process. That made me feel less out of control and I think I may have overcome my fear of flying. The ride home had some bumps and it didn't really phase me. That too would not have happened if Carter were still here.
So there are 4 fairly significant gifts that Carter / the Lord has given me from the beyond. I am still trying not to cry or throw up thinking about it - but they are good gifts.
I finally feel like God is forgiving me for being angry at him. Now to forgive myself.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
As much as I hate to admit it
I have been so far down.
I get to a point where i question God.
Not at Him, but OF Him.
Why would a loving God have allowed this to happen?
Carter was loved. He was wanted. It wasn't like he was an orphan or pushed aside in our family. Even with all of his medical issues early on he still wasn't a burden and we loved him. With all of the advances in technology and our modern civilized society... We had the tools to save him. I think anyway. He didn't deserve this.
I ask myself if there really is a god. I grapple with the thought that if that was the case He either let this happened or didn't care. Both of those seem harsh to me. I see families where the kids aren't wanted but they are allowed to live. This just doesnt seem FAIR!
I hate the rationalizations this situation has brought me to at times.
and so I sulk.
...
then when I have had enough solitude and I feel this God shaped vacuum I listen.
He tells me, reminds me, that not even 200 years ago to loose a child was common if not expected. In some places today the infant mortality rate is almost as high as 1 in 3. The fact that He saved Hailey's life when she had intussusception was a gift. The fact that my oldest two are healthy is a gift. And then I feel like Job. Where was I when He was forming the foundations of the world?
So I remember that I am not alone. Not only with other parents that have lost but with my Heavenly Father who also faced a loss once.
So Jon, quit your gripen, stand up, brush off your pants and lets get back to work.
I am so sorry Lord for doubting you.
But if it is OK with you Ill keep my knees dirty.
I get to a point where i question God.
Not at Him, but OF Him.
Why would a loving God have allowed this to happen?
Carter was loved. He was wanted. It wasn't like he was an orphan or pushed aside in our family. Even with all of his medical issues early on he still wasn't a burden and we loved him. With all of the advances in technology and our modern civilized society... We had the tools to save him. I think anyway. He didn't deserve this.
I ask myself if there really is a god. I grapple with the thought that if that was the case He either let this happened or didn't care. Both of those seem harsh to me. I see families where the kids aren't wanted but they are allowed to live. This just doesnt seem FAIR!
I hate the rationalizations this situation has brought me to at times.
and so I sulk.
...
then when I have had enough solitude and I feel this God shaped vacuum I listen.
He tells me, reminds me, that not even 200 years ago to loose a child was common if not expected. In some places today the infant mortality rate is almost as high as 1 in 3. The fact that He saved Hailey's life when she had intussusception was a gift. The fact that my oldest two are healthy is a gift. And then I feel like Job. Where was I when He was forming the foundations of the world?
So I remember that I am not alone. Not only with other parents that have lost but with my Heavenly Father who also faced a loss once.
So Jon, quit your gripen, stand up, brush off your pants and lets get back to work.
I am so sorry Lord for doubting you.
But if it is OK with you Ill keep my knees dirty.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Prodigal
It has been the last week or so that I have actually been seeking out God. There is something painful about opening up my heart to Him now. It may be that I still blame Him in some capacity - either for allowing it to happen or not doing something to stop it... funny thing though, those are the same.
On Sunday, Chris had some good worship music going. I heard one that I liked so I stood to sing it with conviction. It didn't take but a second for the tears to start and the quiver in my voice to appear. There was a small element of me thinking of how those words applied to Carter. He is in the Lord's presence RIGHT NOW! And in that there is some comfort - as well as sadness because it means that he isn't with me. But more of my sadness was opening my heart back to God. It was more about He and I.
What was it about that submission that hurt so much? Was I admitting defeat? If so, how was I defeated? If not, why wasn't there a sense of victory in returning my heart to Christ?
I thought of the father of the prodigal son and how he loved his son despite the son's rejection of his father for a time. How that father must have thought of his son while he was away... pausing to sit in his son's old room... holding an article of clothing that was his... wondering what he might be doing at that moment.
I think that by accepting my Father's love for me I have to include that His love also leaves room for my heartbreak. In accepting that I am saying that my will... my feelings are subordinate to His sovereignty - which they should be anyway - but now I see it in a way that I never imagined.
I acknowledge my anger at Him but I submit in love.
That is what hurts.
I am empty right now. I'll have to wait for more to write as it comes.
On Sunday, Chris had some good worship music going. I heard one that I liked so I stood to sing it with conviction. It didn't take but a second for the tears to start and the quiver in my voice to appear. There was a small element of me thinking of how those words applied to Carter. He is in the Lord's presence RIGHT NOW! And in that there is some comfort - as well as sadness because it means that he isn't with me. But more of my sadness was opening my heart back to God. It was more about He and I.
What was it about that submission that hurt so much? Was I admitting defeat? If so, how was I defeated? If not, why wasn't there a sense of victory in returning my heart to Christ?
I thought of the father of the prodigal son and how he loved his son despite the son's rejection of his father for a time. How that father must have thought of his son while he was away... pausing to sit in his son's old room... holding an article of clothing that was his... wondering what he might be doing at that moment.
I think that by accepting my Father's love for me I have to include that His love also leaves room for my heartbreak. In accepting that I am saying that my will... my feelings are subordinate to His sovereignty - which they should be anyway - but now I see it in a way that I never imagined.
I acknowledge my anger at Him but I submit in love.
That is what hurts.
I am empty right now. I'll have to wait for more to write as it comes.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Jen's Thoughts
Jen posted this as a comment to I Am Thankful but it is so good I want it to have its own spot on this blog. Thank you Princess! I love you SO much!
smidgenswife said:
smidgenswife said:
God's Sovereignty
I just finished reading When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. It is by far the best book I have read going through all of this... I wish I could encapsulate my thoughts but the only thing I can paraphrase right now is ... God's Sovereignty... I choose to believe that God brought my baby home... NOT that Satan took him or he died because doctors couldn't figure it out... but God took him home... Perhaps I will detail some excerpts of the book...
... there is nothing the Lord wants more of us than the exercise of our faith... faith is believing that which has no absolute proof... it is hanging tough when the evidence would have us bail out. It is determining to trust Him when He has not answered all the question or even assured a pain-free passage...The Lord obviously permitted your difficulties to occur. Why didn't He prevent them-and why has He not attempted to explain or apologize for them? The inability to answer those fundamental questions has become a spiritual barrier a mile high, and you can't seem to find a way around or over it.... God usually does not choose to answer those questions in this life! That's what I've been trying to say. He will not parade His plans and purposes for our approval. We must never forget that He is God. As such He wants us to believe and trust in him despite the things we don't understand. It's that straightforward...My strongest advice is that each of us acknowledge before the crisis occurs, if possible, that our trust in Him must be independent of our understanding... "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than you ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Is 55:9) And our reply should be, "Not my will, but yours be done" (Lu 22:42)...
It is so important to understand that God's value system is entirely different from our own-and His is correct. In human eyes, death is viewed as the ultimate defeat-the final tragedy....But we need to understand that God views death very differently than we do. It is not disaster to him. Is. 57:1 "The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understand that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil." Ps 116:15 "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints"... I hope you will see that the discomfort is intensified by a misunderstanding of time. Our journey here has the illusion of permanence about it...Though the pain is indescribable now, we must never forget that our separation is temporary. We will be reunited forever on that glad resurrection. As the Scripture promises, our tears will be banished forever!...
Expect periods of hardship to occur and don't be dismayed when they arrive. "Lean into the pain" when your time to suffer comes around, knowing that God will use the difficulty for His purposes-and, indeed, for our own good. The Lord is very near, and He has promised that your temptation will not be greater than you can bear...
Ps 34:17-19 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I Am Thankful
As Jen and I sat in church this Sunday she started to cry. It is fairly normal for either or both of us to do that - last week it was me - so we just sat there in the back against the wall and she laid her head on my shoulder.
It wasn't too long before a friend saw her and came to sit with us. She just sat on the floor with us, held Jen's hand, and cried too.
The night carter passed we had the entire pastoral team with their wives at our house. We had elders and their wives providing support in numerous ways. We had friends cleaning our house. We had friends adjusting our front door so it would close easy.
In the days following we had countless people come over to sit with us, bring food, take care of final preparations and expenses, and to bear the weight of our pain.
We had family fly in from the west coast. We had family drive up from long distances. We had my office provide meals and support. We had my employer freely offer me a week of bereavement.
We have truly had such an outpouring of love and support.
We are so blessed to count you all as friends.
I am so blessed to know you.
You are loved and appreciated like you will never know.
It wasn't too long before a friend saw her and came to sit with us. She just sat on the floor with us, held Jen's hand, and cried too.
The night carter passed we had the entire pastoral team with their wives at our house. We had elders and their wives providing support in numerous ways. We had friends cleaning our house. We had friends adjusting our front door so it would close easy.
In the days following we had countless people come over to sit with us, bring food, take care of final preparations and expenses, and to bear the weight of our pain.
We had family fly in from the west coast. We had family drive up from long distances. We had my office provide meals and support. We had my employer freely offer me a week of bereavement.
We have truly had such an outpouring of love and support.
We are so blessed to count you all as friends.
I am so blessed to know you.
You are loved and appreciated like you will never know.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The results are in:
After about an hour of medical speak it all boils down to this:
Carter died from what was most likely a viral blood infection. It did present very much like E.coli but another factor makes it more likely a virus - the liver was not producing the coagulants it usually does - a supposed sign of a virus over the E.coli bacteria. The organ failures were results of that and the hypoxia - not enough oxygen to his brain. It was the low blood pressure that made him ineligible for dialysis and also that low blood pressure that eventually killed him.
Given the inputs we had Dr. Johnston said that Jen and I did exactly what she would have done in our shoes.
Well... now I know how.
In some ways it offers a small amount of closure. The way everything lined up, all the symptoms and the way some were masked, and some external factors - like how our pediatrician acted, I come to the conclusion that God simply called him home. There was no way he was going to come out of it.
It was ordained.
I love you Carter and I take some comfort knowing that God had your days numbered exactly how He wanted them to be. You will always be our little bear. Enjoy your head start buddy! You will have to show me around when I get there!
Carter died from what was most likely a viral blood infection. It did present very much like E.coli but another factor makes it more likely a virus - the liver was not producing the coagulants it usually does - a supposed sign of a virus over the E.coli bacteria. The organ failures were results of that and the hypoxia - not enough oxygen to his brain. It was the low blood pressure that made him ineligible for dialysis and also that low blood pressure that eventually killed him.
Given the inputs we had Dr. Johnston said that Jen and I did exactly what she would have done in our shoes.
Well... now I know how.
In some ways it offers a small amount of closure. The way everything lined up, all the symptoms and the way some were masked, and some external factors - like how our pediatrician acted, I come to the conclusion that God simply called him home. There was no way he was going to come out of it.
It was ordained.
I love you Carter and I take some comfort knowing that God had your days numbered exactly how He wanted them to be. You will always be our little bear. Enjoy your head start buddy! You will have to show me around when I get there!
Monday, October 22, 2007
Autopsy Results
I called CHKD today and learned that the results are in. They have to schedule an appointment there at the hospital to share them with us... I am getting the feeling they won't do it over the phone. I look forward to hearing what they have to say. I hope there are conclusive results.
I may post the results here as well as give an account of what happened that day, August 17th, 2007.
We shall see.
I may post the results here as well as give an account of what happened that day, August 17th, 2007.
We shall see.
Dear God, I don't like you.
At night is the hardest. When the TV goes off, when Jen goes to sleep, and there is nothing to take my mind off of it - all the distractions are gone - then it hits me. That is when I am forced to face it whether I have earlier that day or not.
So Saturday night rolls around and the same thing happens and the Lord calls to me.
"How long are you going to ignore me Jon? I miss you"
"OK, God, If you insist... I don't like you right now. I don't like what you did - or maybe I should say what you didn't do. I still love you, but I am mad at you right now."
It seemed like a while before I got a response from Him, "If you could have any one thing right now from me what would that be?"
Someone had told me once that God grants things to people who are in severe grief. I thought this may be my one opportunity. What do I ask for? My son back? That is so SELFISH! Carter is with my creator even now - totally unaware that I am not with him - completely lost in the face of Christ. Do I ask for answers? That is temporary and doesn't change anything - in fact it will probably only bring MORE questions. Do I ask for absolute evidence of God's existence? I already have that. He has spoken to me on at least 4 occasions in the past so that would be a wasted request b/c He could just point to that. Do I ask for evidence of His love for me? Then I hear the scripture, "He chastises those whom He loves". Yeah, that is just what I need right now, to be corrected for being mad and ignoring him and even sometimes CUSSING at him.
There could only be ONE thing that would be meaningful and lasting and not get my but kicked - at least begrudgingly...
"Lord, I ask that my heart's desires would match yours."
There is submission in that. There is PAIN in that. There is a sense of what is right in that. There is hope in that.
I have to allow this to be what it is. I have to look at it from an eternal perspective. My little boy is in Heaven right now. He is where I am going. I miss him SO badly and that is OK. I will get to see him again and spend eternity with him next to my Heavenly Father.
I don't wish this on anyone.
I am sorry Father for ignoring you. I do love you. I do like you. I don't understand - but I don't have to.
So Saturday night rolls around and the same thing happens and the Lord calls to me.
"How long are you going to ignore me Jon? I miss you"
"OK, God, If you insist... I don't like you right now. I don't like what you did - or maybe I should say what you didn't do. I still love you, but I am mad at you right now."
It seemed like a while before I got a response from Him, "If you could have any one thing right now from me what would that be?"
Someone had told me once that God grants things to people who are in severe grief. I thought this may be my one opportunity. What do I ask for? My son back? That is so SELFISH! Carter is with my creator even now - totally unaware that I am not with him - completely lost in the face of Christ. Do I ask for answers? That is temporary and doesn't change anything - in fact it will probably only bring MORE questions. Do I ask for absolute evidence of God's existence? I already have that. He has spoken to me on at least 4 occasions in the past so that would be a wasted request b/c He could just point to that. Do I ask for evidence of His love for me? Then I hear the scripture, "He chastises those whom He loves". Yeah, that is just what I need right now, to be corrected for being mad and ignoring him and even sometimes CUSSING at him.
There could only be ONE thing that would be meaningful and lasting and not get my but kicked - at least begrudgingly...
"Lord, I ask that my heart's desires would match yours."
There is submission in that. There is PAIN in that. There is a sense of what is right in that. There is hope in that.
I have to allow this to be what it is. I have to look at it from an eternal perspective. My little boy is in Heaven right now. He is where I am going. I miss him SO badly and that is OK. I will get to see him again and spend eternity with him next to my Heavenly Father.
I don't wish this on anyone.
I am sorry Father for ignoring you. I do love you. I do like you. I don't understand - but I don't have to.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Anger
It is setting in. No matter what I do he isn't coming back. I weep as I declare my faith and confess my love for God. It is an act of submission - I have to die to my anger. I fight it. I wrestle it. I am not lifeless now as I have been. Now the intensity of the emotion escalates. This is where I get to see what I am made of.
This truly hurts!
It is more than that too. I have to be here for my family. Most of the time I can be - it is in the times I am lowest that I let them down. How do I juggle my own grief and the grief of those I love? I don't have that answer now.
My wife is so awesome. Thank you Jen. I know you are sacrificing too.
Man, this inhales violently!
This truly hurts!
It is more than that too. I have to be here for my family. Most of the time I can be - it is in the times I am lowest that I let them down. How do I juggle my own grief and the grief of those I love? I don't have that answer now.
My wife is so awesome. Thank you Jen. I know you are sacrificing too.
Man, this inhales violently!
Monday, October 8, 2007
I know how you feel
Mark Harris has a song called Wish You Were Here and it is about someone who has died and is in Heaven calling back to us not to cry for them because they are in the most amazing place and you will join them someday. That song really spoke to Jen and she asked me to listen to it.
It made me angry.
It is a beautiful song and the writer speaks hope and promise to the listener but it still made me angry. I feel insulted that someone who has no idea what I am going through has the audacity to tell me it is OK and I shouldn’t cry or feel bad because my child is in a better place and is waiting for me. It is not rational for me to be mad at that but for some reason I want to know the credentials of those who say, “I understand what you are going through”. I actually feel better when someone says, “I can’t imagine what you are going through right now” for some reason. If someone has been through a loss then I am able to give them credit and I can listen openly to their empathy. I can accept it then.
…
This Sunday Ken had us bow our heads and listen for God to speak to us on the topic of authentic love. As I began I was thanking God for how good He is. I remembered that this was supposed to be Him speaking to us so I stopped and cleared my mind.
He gave me a vision of a dark room with a gentle, warm spotlight focused on Carter sitting on Christ’s lap. It was crystal clear in my mind. Carter was hanging on to Jesus with his left arm and leaning out to me with his right. He had a big smile on his face and was reaching to touch index fingers with me like he would. He then leaned back into Christ and rubbed his face on Jesus’ chest. It was like he was loosing himself in the Lord. Then he looked back at me smiling and I noticed at that point there were 2 other spirit children, more transparent, sitting on Christ’s other knee looking up at Him and the vision was over. I got the impression was that those two were from the two miscarriages we had. As I sat there I cried joyfully at that gift.
I told my Heavenly Father, “Thank You.” I thought of the pain he must have felt as he lost his own Son on Calvary.
He said, “Now you know what it was like for me.”
“But you knew what was to come,” I responded… as if His foreknowledge of their reunion should have made it any less painful.
He said, “So do you.”
…
I can be such a jerk sometimes. Mark Harris was singing exactly what was to come whether he had experienced what I am going through or not. I know it is truth. I know that Heaven is waiting for me and Jesus is preparing a place for me. I welcome it. I don’t have a death wish. That is not what I mean. I don’t fear dying and when it is my time I welcome it – I know exactly where I am going. But there is much to live for.
Paul writes in Philippians Chapter 1,
I love this letter. Can you see him debating? He knows what is to come and it is SO much more beautiful than the present yet he desires to stay and work to bring more along with him.
I so look forward to Heaven. But I want it to be crowded up there :D so I have some work to do.
Thank you, Father. Your perspective is ALWAYS perfect.
I love you.
It made me angry.
It is a beautiful song and the writer speaks hope and promise to the listener but it still made me angry. I feel insulted that someone who has no idea what I am going through has the audacity to tell me it is OK and I shouldn’t cry or feel bad because my child is in a better place and is waiting for me. It is not rational for me to be mad at that but for some reason I want to know the credentials of those who say, “I understand what you are going through”. I actually feel better when someone says, “I can’t imagine what you are going through right now” for some reason. If someone has been through a loss then I am able to give them credit and I can listen openly to their empathy. I can accept it then.
…
This Sunday Ken had us bow our heads and listen for God to speak to us on the topic of authentic love. As I began I was thanking God for how good He is. I remembered that this was supposed to be Him speaking to us so I stopped and cleared my mind.
He gave me a vision of a dark room with a gentle, warm spotlight focused on Carter sitting on Christ’s lap. It was crystal clear in my mind. Carter was hanging on to Jesus with his left arm and leaning out to me with his right. He had a big smile on his face and was reaching to touch index fingers with me like he would. He then leaned back into Christ and rubbed his face on Jesus’ chest. It was like he was loosing himself in the Lord. Then he looked back at me smiling and I noticed at that point there were 2 other spirit children, more transparent, sitting on Christ’s other knee looking up at Him and the vision was over. I got the impression was that those two were from the two miscarriages we had. As I sat there I cried joyfully at that gift.
I told my Heavenly Father, “Thank You.” I thought of the pain he must have felt as he lost his own Son on Calvary.
He said, “Now you know what it was like for me.”
“But you knew what was to come,” I responded… as if His foreknowledge of their reunion should have made it any less painful.
He said, “So do you.”
…
I can be such a jerk sometimes. Mark Harris was singing exactly what was to come whether he had experienced what I am going through or not. I know it is truth. I know that Heaven is waiting for me and Jesus is preparing a place for me. I welcome it. I don’t have a death wish. That is not what I mean. I don’t fear dying and when it is my time I welcome it – I know exactly where I am going. But there is much to live for.
Paul writes in Philippians Chapter 1,
“21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”
I love this letter. Can you see him debating? He knows what is to come and it is SO much more beautiful than the present yet he desires to stay and work to bring more along with him.
I so look forward to Heaven. But I want it to be crowded up there :D so I have some work to do.
Thank you, Father. Your perspective is ALWAYS perfect.
I love you.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Dot People
I had lunch with Mike Hale today. I love that man. I love his family. Mike asked me how I was doing and so I let him have it as raw as it is. In the last few days I have been thinking about how God interacts with us. I saw an active God in the Old Testament but a passive God in the New Testament. I saw examples of how God rescued those laboring in His service in the Old Testament like S,M&A in the fiery furnace and Daniel in the lion’s den. I saw God who did not intervene in the New Testament when Stephen was stoned, when John was beheaded, when Paul was tortured and then killed. I saw a God who spoke plainly to his prophets in the Old Testament but one who allowed the Spirit to loosely council the writers in the New Testament. Right, wrong, or indifferent that was how I felt and I came to a realization… is this a God I want to serve?
...
Before I got into computers I was in sales. I went to a handful of conferences on how to be a better salesman and at one particular seminar (I think it was John Hopkins) I was impressed with this exercise (don’t ask me to remember how this relates to sales).
Take a blank sheet of white paper and take a pen or pencil and make a dot somewhere on the page. What do you see? Show it to your spouse, friends, kids, and ask them all the same question. Unless they have seen this before I am willing to bet that they say, “I see a little dot.”
They all miss the rest of the page.
Yes, there is a little dot but there is also a lot of white space left on that page.
I think it is an exercise in optimism.
...
I read today that UNICEF reports that in 1960 it was not uncommon in 3rd world countries to have 3 out of ever 10 infants die and that in one country, Mali, it was 5 out of every 10. In 2002, while there was improvement, they report that it was not uncommon for those same countries to suffer 1 in 10 infant mortalities and even up to almost 3 in 10 in some locations.
In some countries 3 out of every 10 children die before the age of 1 year… even today.
...
Everything I have has been given to me by God. I have beautiful children, a loving wife, a secure job, a far more than adequate home and an AMAZING church family. There are BILLIONS of people who cannot say the same. Just because I have been sheltered doesn’t mean that tragedy doesn’t exist today. I was looking at the dot. My 15 month old son is dead and that is a pretty big dot but in the context of the page of eternity, it is not even a spec. Carter is where I am going and I shall see him again. That too is a blessing that not everyone will enjoy.
Our God is a God worth serving. In a BIG way! I am SO blessed.
I choose not to be a dot person.
What about you?
...
Before I got into computers I was in sales. I went to a handful of conferences on how to be a better salesman and at one particular seminar (I think it was John Hopkins) I was impressed with this exercise (don’t ask me to remember how this relates to sales).
Take a blank sheet of white paper and take a pen or pencil and make a dot somewhere on the page. What do you see? Show it to your spouse, friends, kids, and ask them all the same question. Unless they have seen this before I am willing to bet that they say, “I see a little dot.”
They all miss the rest of the page.
Yes, there is a little dot but there is also a lot of white space left on that page.
I think it is an exercise in optimism.
...
I read today that UNICEF reports that in 1960 it was not uncommon in 3rd world countries to have 3 out of ever 10 infants die and that in one country, Mali, it was 5 out of every 10. In 2002, while there was improvement, they report that it was not uncommon for those same countries to suffer 1 in 10 infant mortalities and even up to almost 3 in 10 in some locations.
In some countries 3 out of every 10 children die before the age of 1 year… even today.
...
Everything I have has been given to me by God. I have beautiful children, a loving wife, a secure job, a far more than adequate home and an AMAZING church family. There are BILLIONS of people who cannot say the same. Just because I have been sheltered doesn’t mean that tragedy doesn’t exist today. I was looking at the dot. My 15 month old son is dead and that is a pretty big dot but in the context of the page of eternity, it is not even a spec. Carter is where I am going and I shall see him again. That too is a blessing that not everyone will enjoy.
Our God is a God worth serving. In a BIG way! I am SO blessed.
I choose not to be a dot person.
What about you?
Monday, October 1, 2007
lets go back for a second
to my comment about the idea that it is errant to think that Christians or even those in His service are immune to tragedy.
So I have tossed my core beliefs aside. I have to go back to what I know for sure and not what I believe. I have to get a new set of Lego's if you will to build my faith with.
So WHAT can I say IS true about God and my faith? What was promised... and not just in general b/c the Israelites got promises that I don't get (ok... here is a light into Jon's mind - I have some dispensationalist in me)
Lego 2: When we tithe God pours out material blessings on us.
It's all I got right now, but it's a start.
So I have tossed my core beliefs aside. I have to go back to what I know for sure and not what I believe. I have to get a new set of Lego's if you will to build my faith with.
So WHAT can I say IS true about God and my faith? What was promised... and not just in general b/c the Israelites got promises that I don't get (ok... here is a light into Jon's mind - I have some dispensationalist in me)
(I call my spiritual building blocks legos)
Lego 1: The promised Holy Spirit is the garuntee of our salvation.Lego 2: When we tithe God pours out material blessings on us.
It's all I got right now, but it's a start.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I was just thinking
So Jen and I were crying the other night as we wished for Carter to be back with us. I told her that i had a vision earlier that day of when Ken and I were praying for Carter's resurrection. My vision was that Carter came back to life. He was in my arms and Ken and I brought him out to the mourners where a joyous eruption occurred. Then It dawned on me... that would have made it to the local news... then national, then I am sure global news. It would have been a fiasco. Constant bombardment of our family by the media. I can imagine that would have really confused Carter as he grew up... wondering why him and not others.
God is a gentleman and I don't see Him calling that kind of attention to Himself.
If it was going to happen it had to be at CHKD... but I was too chicken to pray that then. I guess I'll never know.
God is a gentleman and I don't see Him calling that kind of attention to Himself.
If it was going to happen it had to be at CHKD... but I was too chicken to pray that then. I guess I'll never know.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Psalms 4:4
In some effort to attempt to grieve righteously I desired to sacrifice my anger to God and try not to be angry with Him. For the first couple of weeks I think it worked for whatever reason. I am thinking there is a process to all of this and I just hadn't hit that place where I was angry. I would lift my hands and heart to the Lord and give Him my pain.
That is why I didn't understand it when it started happening b/c I was resolved not to be angry and to me there is some conscious element to anger where I have to choose to be. In some instances I suppose that can have merit.
This is not one of those times.
This is not someone insulting me where I can assign zero value to their opinion.
This is not one of my children acting out in disobedience from some stress where I can extend grace and accept their sincere apology to diffuse my anger.
At first I was just telling myself I was tired and deflated. That was why I had forgotten to spend time with God. Then there were days where I had energy but I still didn't feel like being with Him.
This week I tasted resentfulness and apathy. It pretty much snuck up on me but that's when I realized it...
In my quest to NOT be angry with God I chose to withdraw from him so I wouldn't expose Him to what was undeniably there. I had some misguided sense of respect or duty where I thought I would be insulting God if I directed my feelings AT Him. I feel cheated. With ALL of the medical SCIENCE that we have today AND with ALL of the prayer for HEALING and RESURRECTION instead of a healthy child I was handed a casket.
I CAN'T JUST WAKE UP TOMORROW AND SAY, "Whew, I am glad that's over!"!! This isn't bankruptcy or an F in History or a lawsuit. THIS IS PERMANENT!
Psalms 4:4a says, "[it's OK to] Be angry, but do not sin." RSV
God was angry when Onan cheated his brothers wife out of having a child. He killed him.
Moses was angry when he tossed the commandments to the ground after seeing his people worship the golden calf.
Jesus was angry when he found vendors using the temple as a storefront for their own personal gain.
I have to understand that anger is a part of all of this and that Jesus wants me to bring it to him. He doesn't demand that I sacrifice it at the moment I bring it and I am sure that he can take it in whatever way I deliver it. How do I not sin in that? for starters I won't shut Him out like I was doing. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I think there is a way to deliver my anger to Him, tell Him, scream it AT Him and still not sin.
I am falling.
I may as well fall into Him.
That is why I didn't understand it when it started happening b/c I was resolved not to be angry and to me there is some conscious element to anger where I have to choose to be. In some instances I suppose that can have merit.
This is not one of those times.
This is not someone insulting me where I can assign zero value to their opinion.
This is not one of my children acting out in disobedience from some stress where I can extend grace and accept their sincere apology to diffuse my anger.
At first I was just telling myself I was tired and deflated. That was why I had forgotten to spend time with God. Then there were days where I had energy but I still didn't feel like being with Him.
This week I tasted resentfulness and apathy. It pretty much snuck up on me but that's when I realized it...
In my quest to NOT be angry with God I chose to withdraw from him so I wouldn't expose Him to what was undeniably there. I had some misguided sense of respect or duty where I thought I would be insulting God if I directed my feelings AT Him. I feel cheated. With ALL of the medical SCIENCE that we have today AND with ALL of the prayer for HEALING and RESURRECTION instead of a healthy child I was handed a casket.
I CAN'T JUST WAKE UP TOMORROW AND SAY, "Whew, I am glad that's over!"!! This isn't bankruptcy or an F in History or a lawsuit. THIS IS PERMANENT!
Psalms 4:4a says, "[it's OK to] Be angry, but do not sin." RSV
God was angry when Onan cheated his brothers wife out of having a child. He killed him.
Moses was angry when he tossed the commandments to the ground after seeing his people worship the golden calf.
Jesus was angry when he found vendors using the temple as a storefront for their own personal gain.
I have to understand that anger is a part of all of this and that Jesus wants me to bring it to him. He doesn't demand that I sacrifice it at the moment I bring it and I am sure that he can take it in whatever way I deliver it. How do I not sin in that? for starters I won't shut Him out like I was doing. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I think there is a way to deliver my anger to Him, tell Him, scream it AT Him and still not sin.
I am falling.
I may as well fall into Him.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Nightmares
I was told to expect a lot of things but somebody forgot to tell me about the nightmares.
Jen and I had a really good weekend with some fun activities. I have been trying to ease off the medicine that helps me sleep and I figured this was a good weekend to do that. I wasn't too sad, in fact I was rather peaceful and happy which was nice for a change since this all happened.
I drifted off to sleep rather well but somewhere in the night I dreamed that I had taken Hailey to the doctors for her flu shot. Apparently it was a nursing school and the lady who was going to administer the shot was a student.
I began by comforting Hailey and getting her to turn her head to look at me and not the shot. The nurse started by slapping and beating on Hailey's arm as if to tenderize it. I objected but she said it was necessary for this shot to take effect. I comforted Hailey and got her to look at me again. Next the nurse gets the needle and instead of a quick plunge she slowly guides the needle in. It is very painful to Hailey who pulls her arm away. This bends the needle which did not get fully removed. I expected the nurse to remove it, get a new needle, and retry but instead she continues to probe with that one and even aggressively gets a second one in as well. It is all terribly painful for Hailey, I am IRATE and begin DEMANDING the nurse remove the needles from my daughters arm. I had to get belligerent but she finally did.
I was so mad that i took Hailey with me to go find a doctor to file a complaint. In the midst of all of this Hailey got separated from me and I loose her. The doctor and I looked for her in a panic. This goes on for a while. We finally found her in a waiting room where she was sobbing. I woke up at that point.
I was so disturbed. I wanted to go in and hold her, to check on her as she slept but I didn't want to wake her.
That dream was more vivid than I usually have. Most of the time they are abstract, morphing from idea to idea, scene to scene, theme to theme and they not usually visually clear either. This one was so disturbing b/c it was as if I was there!! It was crystal clear. My emotions were present. It was ME yelling at the nurse, panicking at Hailey's disappearance.
I have been pondering why I had that dream. Of course, I am sure some of it was projections from seeing Carter being treated like a pin cushion in his last hours, when i did object to the nurses and told them they had ONE more try and that was it because he was DONE getting sticks! It probably also came from watching as they beat on his chest when he coded. I also wonder if it had to do with my frustration that my older children's biological mother continues to abuse them almost without any recourse from the courts. But this dream was not about Carter, or the older 2. Then I had to face it... I have a fear that God will take Hailey.
I stood over my son and prayed for his resurrection but that wasn't God's plan. Last night I was listening to someone recall how their ferret was raised from the dead. They were serious and I have no reason not to believe them. Was Carter worth less than that ferret? Why could Peter do it? Why was Lazarus raised? What made my request any less valid than theirs?
All I can do is return to this: I don't have to understand to know that God is Holy.
Father, give me wisdom. I want you to have this for your glory.
Jen and I had a really good weekend with some fun activities. I have been trying to ease off the medicine that helps me sleep and I figured this was a good weekend to do that. I wasn't too sad, in fact I was rather peaceful and happy which was nice for a change since this all happened.
I drifted off to sleep rather well but somewhere in the night I dreamed that I had taken Hailey to the doctors for her flu shot. Apparently it was a nursing school and the lady who was going to administer the shot was a student.
I began by comforting Hailey and getting her to turn her head to look at me and not the shot. The nurse started by slapping and beating on Hailey's arm as if to tenderize it. I objected but she said it was necessary for this shot to take effect. I comforted Hailey and got her to look at me again. Next the nurse gets the needle and instead of a quick plunge she slowly guides the needle in. It is very painful to Hailey who pulls her arm away. This bends the needle which did not get fully removed. I expected the nurse to remove it, get a new needle, and retry but instead she continues to probe with that one and even aggressively gets a second one in as well. It is all terribly painful for Hailey, I am IRATE and begin DEMANDING the nurse remove the needles from my daughters arm. I had to get belligerent but she finally did.
I was so mad that i took Hailey with me to go find a doctor to file a complaint. In the midst of all of this Hailey got separated from me and I loose her. The doctor and I looked for her in a panic. This goes on for a while. We finally found her in a waiting room where she was sobbing. I woke up at that point.
I was so disturbed. I wanted to go in and hold her, to check on her as she slept but I didn't want to wake her.
That dream was more vivid than I usually have. Most of the time they are abstract, morphing from idea to idea, scene to scene, theme to theme and they not usually visually clear either. This one was so disturbing b/c it was as if I was there!! It was crystal clear. My emotions were present. It was ME yelling at the nurse, panicking at Hailey's disappearance.
I have been pondering why I had that dream. Of course, I am sure some of it was projections from seeing Carter being treated like a pin cushion in his last hours, when i did object to the nurses and told them they had ONE more try and that was it because he was DONE getting sticks! It probably also came from watching as they beat on his chest when he coded. I also wonder if it had to do with my frustration that my older children's biological mother continues to abuse them almost without any recourse from the courts. But this dream was not about Carter, or the older 2. Then I had to face it... I have a fear that God will take Hailey.
I stood over my son and prayed for his resurrection but that wasn't God's plan. Last night I was listening to someone recall how their ferret was raised from the dead. They were serious and I have no reason not to believe them. Was Carter worth less than that ferret? Why could Peter do it? Why was Lazarus raised? What made my request any less valid than theirs?
All I can do is return to this: I don't have to understand to know that God is Holy.
Father, give me wisdom. I want you to have this for your glory.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
The idea...
So here we are sitting in church, holding hands, singing Kumbaya (sp) and just thinking to ourselves how COOL it is to be a Christian - how AWESOME it is that the creator of the universe is our adopted father - how much He loves us and protects us - how SAFE we are in His arms. After all, Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In another place, Malachi 3:10 the Lord says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Wow. Jesus healed so many... a blind man, a leper, several lame, sick, crippled, even the dead. He gave His disciples similar powers and even the authority to cast out demons. He offered His own life so that we can be with Him forever. Surely if we just do as he has asked us to do we will be financially secure and be a people who are immune from suffering.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." NIV
This has been the hardest year of my life bar none. I have what feels like a failed real estate venture (though it seems that I have managed to stop the finacial hemorrhaging to an extent at east for now), I had my mid life crisis (glad to get that out of the way!) am going back to court over my oldest children's safety, and most recently I lost my 16 month old son to a yet unknown infection. That has placed a strain on my family and marraige like I have never experienced before.
I have answered your call Lord in church leadership. Doesn't that offer me some level of protection?!?!? Some kind of hardship amnesty?
In Romans, Paul says that God works for the good of those who love him. It does not say that all who love God will only receive good things. When I look at our examples in the New Testament, I see situation upon situation where one who was in direct service to God was being beaten, stoned, whipped, or executed. Where did i get the idea that I would be safe? Stephen was stoned to death, Paul beaten and stoned frequently before he was finally executed, I read somewhere that Peter was crucified (upside down I think), Jesus himself was tortured and executed, countless missionaries have been and are even now being martyred all in the progression and work of the Kingdom.
The idea that we as Christians are immune to tragedy is errant at best if not absurd altogether.
How do I resolve Jeremiah, Malachi, and the healing's of Jesus with my present situation? I don't know. But I know this...
I do not have to understand to know that GOD IS HOLY.
I do know He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you".
I do know He said He will give me peace - even in the midst of my dead, toddler son.
I welcome your peace Lord.
I have more to say on this but it is late. I'll write more later.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." NIV
This has been the hardest year of my life bar none. I have what feels like a failed real estate venture (though it seems that I have managed to stop the finacial hemorrhaging to an extent at east for now), I had my mid life crisis (glad to get that out of the way!) am going back to court over my oldest children's safety, and most recently I lost my 16 month old son to a yet unknown infection. That has placed a strain on my family and marraige like I have never experienced before.
I have answered your call Lord in church leadership. Doesn't that offer me some level of protection?!?!? Some kind of hardship amnesty?
In Romans, Paul says that God works for the good of those who love him. It does not say that all who love God will only receive good things. When I look at our examples in the New Testament, I see situation upon situation where one who was in direct service to God was being beaten, stoned, whipped, or executed. Where did i get the idea that I would be safe? Stephen was stoned to death, Paul beaten and stoned frequently before he was finally executed, I read somewhere that Peter was crucified (upside down I think), Jesus himself was tortured and executed, countless missionaries have been and are even now being martyred all in the progression and work of the Kingdom.
The idea that we as Christians are immune to tragedy is errant at best if not absurd altogether.
How do I resolve Jeremiah, Malachi, and the healing's of Jesus with my present situation? I don't know. But I know this...
I do not have to understand to know that GOD IS HOLY.
I do know He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you".
I do know He said He will give me peace - even in the midst of my dead, toddler son.
I welcome your peace Lord.
I have more to say on this but it is late. I'll write more later.
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