At night is the hardest. When the TV goes off, when Jen goes to sleep, and there is nothing to take my mind off of it - all the distractions are gone - then it hits me. That is when I am forced to face it whether I have earlier that day or not.
So Saturday night rolls around and the same thing happens and the Lord calls to me.
"How long are you going to ignore me Jon? I miss you"
"OK, God, If you insist... I don't like you right now. I don't like what you did - or maybe I should say what you didn't do. I still love you, but I am mad at you right now."
It seemed like a while before I got a response from Him, "If you could have any one thing right now from me what would that be?"
Someone had told me once that God grants things to people who are in severe grief. I thought this may be my one opportunity. What do I ask for? My son back? That is so SELFISH! Carter is with my creator even now - totally unaware that I am not with him - completely lost in the face of Christ. Do I ask for answers? That is temporary and doesn't change anything - in fact it will probably only bring MORE questions. Do I ask for absolute evidence of God's existence? I already have that. He has spoken to me on at least 4 occasions in the past so that would be a wasted request b/c He could just point to that. Do I ask for evidence of His love for me? Then I hear the scripture, "He chastises those whom He loves". Yeah, that is just what I need right now, to be corrected for being mad and ignoring him and even sometimes CUSSING at him.
There could only be ONE thing that would be meaningful and lasting and not get my but kicked - at least begrudgingly...
"Lord, I ask that my heart's desires would match yours."
There is submission in that. There is PAIN in that. There is a sense of what is right in that. There is hope in that.
I have to allow this to be what it is. I have to look at it from an eternal perspective. My little boy is in Heaven right now. He is where I am going. I miss him SO badly and that is OK. I will get to see him again and spend eternity with him next to my Heavenly Father.
I don't wish this on anyone.
I am sorry Father for ignoring you. I do love you. I do like you. I don't understand - but I don't have to.
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3 comments:
Hello Jon,
My heart is with your heart. I lost my son years ago. May I please say that I don't believe God killed your son. I have other children and I would never hurt them like that to prove my love for them or to teach them something and I know I don't love my children more perfectly than God loves his. The word states that satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He does that to stop our love and trust with God. I know you miss you son deeply and the pain is almost to much to bare, yet God pulled me thru that pain and eventually hope came back to my heart in knowing that my own son would welcome me home. Time is very friendly in these situations. God is still your best friend.
I would not dispute that God did not kill my son but I would have to say that He did permit it.
I see in scripture where Satan petitions God to harm Job. God doesn't do the harming but He did allow it.
I think that is where my disillusion with God comes into play.
Yes, Job was repaid by God with more than he originally had but this is not about wealth. Job lost family! How did he feel? New family are a blessing but they do not replace the ones lost.
May I ask how long it was for you before you felt like you were able to 'move on'?
Thank you for your encouragement. It is felt.
Hello Jon,
I lost my first son to crib death...When I read in the Word where it says that Jerusalem would cry over Jesus like a Mother cries over the lose of her first born son, I wept for days over that passage of scripture. I will say that it took me almost a year before the pit was removed from my stomach and I didn't cry everytime I thought of him or saw a child that looked like him...I do understand your pain and anger. I was so angry at God because my grandmother told me that God would fill his kingdom even if he had to rob babes from their cradles...she didn't know any better..but satan used her ignorance to keep me from God. Through learning what Jesus died to accomplish I was healed of the ignorance that is taught and the false allegations that are imputed to God. Job did not have the covenant we have in Christ. Your pain is shared so much more than you know and I pray for you and Jen always. As I said in my last post...Time is such a friend in this situation.
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