Gifts From The Beyond

I didn't think it was ever going to be possible to see any tangible benefits from Carter's death. There may have been some time in the distant future where we get to help someone through a time similar to ours - just as a WONDERFUL woman has done for us - Thank you SO much Jesus for placing her in our path and our church! But I didn't see any reason to hope for answers or meaning beyond that.

The last 10 days I was in California for my first Christmas there in 12 years. We were there about 5 years ago and a couple of times before that but not for Christmas since December of 95. I don't like traveling with babies on flights b/c you can't explain to them to stay in their seat when the seatbelt light is on - etc. Carter being gone was the primary reason we were able to make that trip.

While there I got to see my 85+ year old grandfather whom I have been close to since my childhood. When my mom and dad would date I would go spend the night at Grandad's house and we would have so much fun. He would play this magic penny game with me where he would show me it in one spot, make it disapear and then reappear in another. We would watch old John Wayne movies, have oreo cookies and 7-up, go to dennys for breakfast and just have a blast in general. He is a strong man - almost invinceable in my eyes - but he has finally hit a road that will lead him to either a drastically reduced quality of life or a shorter lifespan than he may have been able to achieve. He recently got mouth cancer and while they managed to cut all of it out, the radiation hurts and can make him not want to eat. If he opts out of radiation the cancer may return quickly. What a catch-22 huh? I am glad he got to meet Hailey and see the kids and Jen and I again. That is something I wouldn't have done if Carter was still here.

For some reason the Lord had been putting my biological father on my heart since around fall of 06. We had been communicating and he even said he would try to make it out here to visit last summer. He got some health issues that made it unreasonable to travel but since I was in California for Christmas I was able to take the family to his place where he showed us his work and then took us to lunch. I just saw my biological father for the FIRST TIME IN 18 YEARS. That wouldn't have happened if Carter was still here.

Finally, The first time I took Chelsea back to california to meet my folks she was an infant. It was somewhere in that timeframe (maybe it started with I took Jon Jon, but it was one of those) but it was somewhere in that realm that I developed a fear of flying. Never had it before that. I was in the Air Force for pete's sake. But the truth is I have been afraid to fly for 15 years or so. Before we flew this time I wanted to research turbulence b/c that is what really scares me - not having control over a plane that feels out of control. I read a blog from a pilot who answered questions from random people and he addressed that a lot. He talked about how they slow down to help the plane maintain tolerances, they try different altitudes (as long as there isn't another plane in the area that prevents that) and I witnessed on the flight exactly that. The pilot announced the seatbelt sign, reassured us we were safe but that there was bumps ahead. I felt the plane slow down, and a couple of times I felt it change altitude. There was reason and logic - rationalization to the process. That made me feel less out of control and I think I may have overcome my fear of flying. The ride home had some bumps and it didn't really phase me. That too would not have happened if Carter were still here.

So there are 4 fairly significant gifts that Carter / the Lord has given me from the beyond. I am still trying not to cry or throw up thinking about it - but they are good gifts.

I finally feel like God is forgiving me for being angry at him. Now to forgive myself.

As much as I hate to admit it

I have been so far down.
I get to a point where i question God.
Not at Him, but OF Him.
Why would a loving God have allowed this to happen?
Carter was loved. He was wanted. It wasn't like he was an orphan or pushed aside in our family. Even with all of his medical issues early on he still wasn't a burden and we loved him. With all of the advances in technology and our modern civilized society... We had the tools to save him. I think anyway. He didn't deserve this.

I ask myself if there really is a god. I grapple with the thought that if that was the case He either let this happened or didn't care. Both of those seem harsh to me. I see families where the kids aren't wanted but they are allowed to live. This just doesnt seem FAIR!

I hate the rationalizations this situation has brought me to at times.

and so I sulk.

...

then when I have had enough solitude and I feel this God shaped vacuum I listen.

He tells me, reminds me, that not even 200 years ago to loose a child was common if not expected. In some places today the infant mortality rate is almost as high as 1 in 3. The fact that He saved Hailey's life when she had intussusception was a gift. The fact that my oldest two are healthy is a gift. And then I feel like Job. Where was I when He was forming the foundations of the world?

So I remember that I am not alone. Not only with other parents that have lost but with my Heavenly Father who also faced a loss once.

So Jon, quit your gripen, stand up, brush off your pants and lets get back to work.

I am so sorry Lord for doubting you.
But if it is OK with you Ill keep my knees dirty.