But today he gives.
On August 31 Jen went in for an emergency c-section. We gave birth to a 2lb 14oz boy named Silas. His first 5 weeks were spent in the NICU. I waited for a time before I was able to let him into my heart. I wanted to make sure he was going to be around for a while. I know I have no guarantees but I at least wanted to know he was going to make it out of the NICU.
He came home on an apnea monitor in early October. I think he has only had one legitimate brady since being home and that was over a month ago.
He grows and smiles and focuses on us. He has started cooing and making noises.
He has a crooked smile - like me. He sneezes in the sunshine - like me. He has really bad gas - ... ;)
He will never know his other brother on earth. I will have to teach him who Carter was, and still is, and when and where he will meet him - along with our Creator.
His siblings dote over him.
His mother glows.
I have let him in.
He doesn't replace Carter.
He does meet a need.
Thank you Father for letting us have Silas. Give Carter a hug and let him know he will have another playmate in a while - 80 years or so.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Loosing a Friend
Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a long time friend. God called him elsewhere and though I will still ping him from time to time his presence will be missed. He stood with me during the single hardest moment in my life. His wisdom has guided me numerous times. His mark is forever on my family.
I love you brother.
I will miss you.
I love you brother.
I will miss you.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Questions Unanswered
Jen says I have an unnatural obsession with reading news articles on child neglect / tragedy.
She asks me why I choose to read those articles when they surface on CNN, Drudge, or Google News. At times I am overwhelmed by the atrocities. Once I got so caught up in the story I felt an overwhelming sense of fear for the child that was assaulted. Sometimes I am numb and look at it clinically.
Always, I am looking for answers.
Was the child aware of what was going on? Did they have parents who loved them? How will they grow up (if still alive) and cope in life?
I want to know where the justice is when the child(ren) I love(d) get taken unwillingly yet ones exist that are not loved, abandoned, abused, even sometimes killed?
I wrench inside at what horrible things happen in our fallen world. I wrench harder when I try to resolve the love Jen and I have for our children and some of those have never been afforded their first breath - or even the one who had 15 months of breathing.
I don't have he answers.
I'm not sure I ever will.
One motif continues to repeat / replay (did I use that word right?) when I question.
Heavenly Father:
I think of Jesus, when the children were coming up to him and appeared to be overwhelming him as his disciples tried to coral them away. I can see - EVEN FEEL - him smiling, with almost a laugh as he tells them, "Let the children come." What joy he has with them. What a connection. What a longing.
He then makes the profound statement to many who probably thought they had most of the answers - who had such knowledge - that in order to enter the Kingdom one had to come as a child comes.
Children have excitement. They have anticipation.
They have questions.
I am thankful that God is unsearchable (meaning He is SO vast that we can explore Him forever and still not know everything about Him).
I will continue to ask.
I will continue to realize that I may never know.
She asks me why I choose to read those articles when they surface on CNN, Drudge, or Google News. At times I am overwhelmed by the atrocities. Once I got so caught up in the story I felt an overwhelming sense of fear for the child that was assaulted. Sometimes I am numb and look at it clinically.
Always, I am looking for answers.
Was the child aware of what was going on? Did they have parents who loved them? How will they grow up (if still alive) and cope in life?
I want to know where the justice is when the child(ren) I love(d) get taken unwillingly yet ones exist that are not loved, abandoned, abused, even sometimes killed?
I wrench inside at what horrible things happen in our fallen world. I wrench harder when I try to resolve the love Jen and I have for our children and some of those have never been afforded their first breath - or even the one who had 15 months of breathing.
I don't have he answers.
I'm not sure I ever will.
One motif continues to repeat / replay (did I use that word right?) when I question.
Heavenly Father:
Those little ones are with me now. They have no memory of that experience. They are totally caught up in me now. There is no need to grieve them. Focus on those who remain.
I think of Jesus, when the children were coming up to him and appeared to be overwhelming him as his disciples tried to coral them away. I can see - EVEN FEEL - him smiling, with almost a laugh as he tells them, "Let the children come." What joy he has with them. What a connection. What a longing.
He then makes the profound statement to many who probably thought they had most of the answers - who had such knowledge - that in order to enter the Kingdom one had to come as a child comes.
Children have excitement. They have anticipation.
They have questions.
I am thankful that God is unsearchable (meaning He is SO vast that we can explore Him forever and still not know everything about Him).
I will continue to ask.
I will continue to realize that I may never know.
For Clarity
I was looking at my last post and realized I was so out of it I called Aug 15th the eve of Carter's death. For clarity, Aug 17th was when he died. I am still picking splinters out of the back of my head from the events leading up to this anniversary.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Carter's Eve
Today I held my wife's hand as she recovered.
I kissed her head, held her hand, and caressed her hair.
After I got her home and in bed I read my oldest daughter's blog.
Such imagery in her expression. It broke me.
When she returned from spending time with Mel I talked to her and held her.
My son came over later to watch me play Age Of Empires.
I know he likes it so I let him play too.
I just sat with him and touched him as he played.
My youngest said she was happy that she and I get to spend some time - just the two of us. As we played the caterpillar game she said sadly, "Daddy, I miss Carter".
It could be this big elephant in the corner. For some it is but for some it is very present and in the open.
What I know is that my family did not deserve this.
Each grieving in some way. None finding solace.
I relive the hours from a year ago. Jen does too.
Only this time we don't have the good meds to help us through.
I could ask for them - and I know they would - but they were hard to get off of so I have to say no.
That makes it raw.
I am on edge. My patience are almost nil.
Our doctor gave us some hope this week - he may have identified what the problem has been for the pregnancies - even Carter's early birth.
Do we take the risk just one more time?
I feel covering in some areas in my life - but not this one.
Do my children have it in them to endure it again?
I don't think tonight - or tomorrow especially - is the time to decide or even ponder that. It only makes me sick to wonder what if.
I kissed her head, held her hand, and caressed her hair.
After I got her home and in bed I read my oldest daughter's blog.
Such imagery in her expression. It broke me.
When she returned from spending time with Mel I talked to her and held her.
My son came over later to watch me play Age Of Empires.
I know he likes it so I let him play too.
I just sat with him and touched him as he played.
My youngest said she was happy that she and I get to spend some time - just the two of us. As we played the caterpillar game she said sadly, "Daddy, I miss Carter".
It could be this big elephant in the corner. For some it is but for some it is very present and in the open.
What I know is that my family did not deserve this.
Each grieving in some way. None finding solace.
I relive the hours from a year ago. Jen does too.
Only this time we don't have the good meds to help us through.
I could ask for them - and I know they would - but they were hard to get off of so I have to say no.
That makes it raw.
I am on edge. My patience are almost nil.
Our doctor gave us some hope this week - he may have identified what the problem has been for the pregnancies - even Carter's early birth.
Do we take the risk just one more time?
I feel covering in some areas in my life - but not this one.
Do my children have it in them to endure it again?
I don't think tonight - or tomorrow especially - is the time to decide or even ponder that. It only makes me sick to wonder what if.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Though he slay me
Sunday is the first anniversary of my son Carter's death.
My folks came in to town to be here for it.
Jen had scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday (yesterday) so we could all go see what gender our next child will be. We invited her mom, had my folks, and Jon and Hailey present for the event.
Jen was already in the room with the doctor when I arrived but all of the family was in the waiting room.
I announced myself to the receptionist and withing moments I was requested back in the room with Jen. I had Hailey with me and they asked her to stay in the waiting room. The look on the nurse's face pretty much said it all.
As I enter the exam room the doctor says he doesn't see a heartbeat. He shows us where it should be and measures the baby. That day she was supposed to be 15 weeks, 5 days along. It measured 13 weeks 1 day.
After a slew of questions the doctor sends us over to the hospital for a second opinion.
The surgeon confirmed the findings. The baby is dead.
In our journey of healing, once we got pregnant there was some sense of replacing what was lost with Carter. I know nothing replaces him. This was just a new hope for us. It was to help us move on. Having a little one growing in her (I think anyway) would have helped on Sunday when we collectively visit Carter's grave (for the first time). That is not to be.
...
Job says to his mocking visitors, "Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him."
Job's losses were catastrophic. Job went from a normal life, even a satisfying, wealthy life, to sickly, on death's doorstep with nothing to his name. He lost those he loved, the place he called home, his wealth, his livelihood...
BUT NEVER DID JOB LOOSE HIS FAITH.
How?
By all accounts Job was devout. He loved God and served Him. What did he DO to DESERVE his situation?
Can I tell you this? IT WAS BECAUSE OF JOB'S LOVE FOR GOD THAT HE WAS GIVEN THAT LOSS.
God was proud of him like a father is proud of his children. Satan challenged God that the only reason Job was devout was because God gave him a cush life and blessed everything he did.
So God allowed Satan to strip him of everything he had - including his family. After this takes place Job says the following:
Job 1:21
And look at verse 22
Boy have I been sinning.
I remember when we were planning Carter's funeral service when Ken asked us if there were any songs we wanted for that time and i replied with Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord. It just now hit me that that song comes from Job 1:21.
...
Perspective is a beautiful thing.
In my honesty and realness I will tell you that I am angry. I feel betrayed. I don't feel like I have covering. I don't know how to teach my children that God is good. It may not be now that lesson needs to be taught. I don't know that I could teach it or they could receive it.
But there lucid moments when I can say,
Though He slay me, yet I will trust / hope in Him.
As another old song says,
Where else would I go?
Seriously?
My folks came in to town to be here for it.
Jen had scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday (yesterday) so we could all go see what gender our next child will be. We invited her mom, had my folks, and Jon and Hailey present for the event.
Jen was already in the room with the doctor when I arrived but all of the family was in the waiting room.
I announced myself to the receptionist and withing moments I was requested back in the room with Jen. I had Hailey with me and they asked her to stay in the waiting room. The look on the nurse's face pretty much said it all.
As I enter the exam room the doctor says he doesn't see a heartbeat. He shows us where it should be and measures the baby. That day she was supposed to be 15 weeks, 5 days along. It measured 13 weeks 1 day.
After a slew of questions the doctor sends us over to the hospital for a second opinion.
The surgeon confirmed the findings. The baby is dead.
In our journey of healing, once we got pregnant there was some sense of replacing what was lost with Carter. I know nothing replaces him. This was just a new hope for us. It was to help us move on. Having a little one growing in her (I think anyway) would have helped on Sunday when we collectively visit Carter's grave (for the first time). That is not to be.
...
Job says to his mocking visitors, "Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him."
Job's losses were catastrophic. Job went from a normal life, even a satisfying, wealthy life, to sickly, on death's doorstep with nothing to his name. He lost those he loved, the place he called home, his wealth, his livelihood...
BUT NEVER DID JOB LOOSE HIS FAITH.
tears begin for me now
How?
By all accounts Job was devout. He loved God and served Him. What did he DO to DESERVE his situation?
Can I tell you this? IT WAS BECAUSE OF JOB'S LOVE FOR GOD THAT HE WAS GIVEN THAT LOSS.
God was proud of him like a father is proud of his children. Satan challenged God that the only reason Job was devout was because God gave him a cush life and blessed everything he did.
So God allowed Satan to strip him of everything he had - including his family. After this takes place Job says the following:
Job 1:21
Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.
And look at verse 22
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
Boy have I been sinning.
I remember when we were planning Carter's funeral service when Ken asked us if there were any songs we wanted for that time and i replied with Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord. It just now hit me that that song comes from Job 1:21.
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name
...
Perspective is a beautiful thing.
In my honesty and realness I will tell you that I am angry. I feel betrayed. I don't feel like I have covering. I don't know how to teach my children that God is good. It may not be now that lesson needs to be taught. I don't know that I could teach it or they could receive it.
But there lucid moments when I can say,
Though He slay me, yet I will trust / hope in Him.
As another old song says,
I'll obey and serve You
I'll obey because I love You
I'll obey, my life is in Your hands
For it's the way to prove my love
When feelings go away
If it costs me everything, I'll obey
Where else would I go?
Seriously?
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