Prodigal

It has been the last week or so that I have actually been seeking out God. There is something painful about opening up my heart to Him now. It may be that I still blame Him in some capacity - either for allowing it to happen or not doing something to stop it... funny thing though, those are the same.

On Sunday, Chris had some good worship music going. I heard one that I liked so I stood to sing it with conviction. It didn't take but a second for the tears to start and the quiver in my voice to appear. There was a small element of me thinking of how those words applied to Carter. He is in the Lord's presence RIGHT NOW! And in that there is some comfort - as well as sadness because it means that he isn't with me. But more of my sadness was opening my heart back to God. It was more about He and I.

What was it about that submission that hurt so much? Was I admitting defeat? If so, how was I defeated? If not, why wasn't there a sense of victory in returning my heart to Christ?

I thought of the father of the prodigal son and how he loved his son despite the son's rejection of his father for a time. How that father must have thought of his son while he was away... pausing to sit in his son's old room... holding an article of clothing that was his... wondering what he might be doing at that moment.

I think that by accepting my Father's love for me I have to include that His love also leaves room for my heartbreak. In accepting that I am saying that my will... my feelings are subordinate to His sovereignty - which they should be anyway - but now I see it in a way that I never imagined.

I acknowledge my anger at Him but I submit in love.

That is what hurts.

I am empty right now. I'll have to wait for more to write as it comes.