Psalms 4:4

In some effort to attempt to grieve righteously I desired to sacrifice my anger to God and try not to be angry with Him. For the first couple of weeks I think it worked for whatever reason. I am thinking there is a process to all of this and I just hadn't hit that place where I was angry. I would lift my hands and heart to the Lord and give Him my pain.

That is why I didn't understand it when it started happening b/c I was resolved not to be angry and to me there is some conscious element to anger where I have to choose to be. In some instances I suppose that can have merit.

This is not one of those times.

This is not someone insulting me where I can assign zero value to their opinion.
This is not one of my children acting out in disobedience from some stress where I can extend grace and accept their sincere apology to diffuse my anger.

At first I was just telling myself I was tired and deflated. That was why I had forgotten to spend time with God. Then there were days where I had energy but I still didn't feel like being with Him.

This week I tasted resentfulness and apathy. It pretty much snuck up on me but that's when I realized it...

In my quest to NOT be angry with God I chose to withdraw from him so I wouldn't expose Him to what was undeniably there. I had some misguided sense of respect or duty where I thought I would be insulting God if I directed my feelings AT Him. I feel cheated. With ALL of the medical SCIENCE that we have today AND with ALL of the prayer for HEALING and RESURRECTION instead of a healthy child I was handed a casket.

I CAN'T JUST WAKE UP TOMORROW AND SAY, "Whew, I am glad that's over!"!! This isn't bankruptcy or an F in History or a lawsuit. THIS IS PERMANENT!


Psalms 4:4a says, "[it's OK to] Be angry, but do not sin." RSV

God was angry when Onan cheated his brothers wife out of having a child. He killed him.
Moses was angry when he tossed the commandments to the ground after seeing his people worship the golden calf.
Jesus was angry when he found vendors using the temple as a storefront for their own personal gain.

I have to understand that anger is a part of all of this and that Jesus wants me to bring it to him. He doesn't demand that I sacrifice it at the moment I bring it and I am sure that he can take it in whatever way I deliver it. How do I not sin in that? for starters I won't shut Him out like I was doing. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I think there is a way to deliver my anger to Him, tell Him, scream it AT Him and still not sin.

I am falling.
I may as well fall into Him.