I was just thinking

So Jen and I were crying the other night as we wished for Carter to be back with us. I told her that i had a vision earlier that day of when Ken and I were praying for Carter's resurrection. My vision was that Carter came back to life. He was in my arms and Ken and I brought him out to the mourners where a joyous eruption occurred. Then It dawned on me... that would have made it to the local news... then national, then I am sure global news. It would have been a fiasco. Constant bombardment of our family by the media. I can imagine that would have really confused Carter as he grew up... wondering why him and not others.

God is a gentleman and I don't see Him calling that kind of attention to Himself.

If it was going to happen it had to be at CHKD... but I was too chicken to pray that then. I guess I'll never know.

Psalms 4:4

In some effort to attempt to grieve righteously I desired to sacrifice my anger to God and try not to be angry with Him. For the first couple of weeks I think it worked for whatever reason. I am thinking there is a process to all of this and I just hadn't hit that place where I was angry. I would lift my hands and heart to the Lord and give Him my pain.

That is why I didn't understand it when it started happening b/c I was resolved not to be angry and to me there is some conscious element to anger where I have to choose to be. In some instances I suppose that can have merit.

This is not one of those times.

This is not someone insulting me where I can assign zero value to their opinion.
This is not one of my children acting out in disobedience from some stress where I can extend grace and accept their sincere apology to diffuse my anger.

At first I was just telling myself I was tired and deflated. That was why I had forgotten to spend time with God. Then there were days where I had energy but I still didn't feel like being with Him.

This week I tasted resentfulness and apathy. It pretty much snuck up on me but that's when I realized it...

In my quest to NOT be angry with God I chose to withdraw from him so I wouldn't expose Him to what was undeniably there. I had some misguided sense of respect or duty where I thought I would be insulting God if I directed my feelings AT Him. I feel cheated. With ALL of the medical SCIENCE that we have today AND with ALL of the prayer for HEALING and RESURRECTION instead of a healthy child I was handed a casket.

I CAN'T JUST WAKE UP TOMORROW AND SAY, "Whew, I am glad that's over!"!! This isn't bankruptcy or an F in History or a lawsuit. THIS IS PERMANENT!


Psalms 4:4a says, "[it's OK to] Be angry, but do not sin." RSV

God was angry when Onan cheated his brothers wife out of having a child. He killed him.
Moses was angry when he tossed the commandments to the ground after seeing his people worship the golden calf.
Jesus was angry when he found vendors using the temple as a storefront for their own personal gain.

I have to understand that anger is a part of all of this and that Jesus wants me to bring it to him. He doesn't demand that I sacrifice it at the moment I bring it and I am sure that he can take it in whatever way I deliver it. How do I not sin in that? for starters I won't shut Him out like I was doing. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I think there is a way to deliver my anger to Him, tell Him, scream it AT Him and still not sin.

I am falling.
I may as well fall into Him.

Nightmares

I was told to expect a lot of things but somebody forgot to tell me about the nightmares.

Jen and I had a really good weekend with some fun activities. I have been trying to ease off the medicine that helps me sleep and I figured this was a good weekend to do that. I wasn't too sad, in fact I was rather peaceful and happy which was nice for a change since this all happened.

I drifted off to sleep rather well but somewhere in the night I dreamed that I had taken Hailey to the doctors for her flu shot. Apparently it was a nursing school and the lady who was going to administer the shot was a student.

I began by comforting Hailey and getting her to turn her head to look at me and not the shot. The nurse started by slapping and beating on Hailey's arm as if to tenderize it. I objected but she said it was necessary for this shot to take effect. I comforted Hailey and got her to look at me again. Next the nurse gets the needle and instead of a quick plunge she slowly guides the needle in. It is very painful to Hailey who pulls her arm away. This bends the needle which did not get fully removed. I expected the nurse to remove it, get a new needle, and retry but instead she continues to probe with that one and even aggressively gets a second one in as well. It is all terribly painful for Hailey, I am IRATE and begin DEMANDING the nurse remove the needles from my daughters arm. I had to get belligerent but she finally did.
I was so mad that i took Hailey with me to go find a doctor to file a complaint. In the midst of all of this Hailey got separated from me and I loose her. The doctor and I looked for her in a panic. This goes on for a while. We finally found her in a waiting room where she was sobbing. I woke up at that point.

I was so disturbed. I wanted to go in and hold her, to check on her as she slept but I didn't want to wake her.

That dream was more vivid than I usually have. Most of the time they are abstract, morphing from idea to idea, scene to scene, theme to theme and they not usually visually clear either. This one was so disturbing b/c it was as if I was there!! It was crystal clear. My emotions were present. It was ME yelling at the nurse, panicking at Hailey's disappearance.

I have been pondering why I had that dream. Of course, I am sure some of it was projections from seeing Carter being treated like a pin cushion in his last hours, when i did object to the nurses and told them they had ONE more try and that was it because he was DONE getting sticks! It probably also came from watching as they beat on his chest when he coded. I also wonder if it had to do with my frustration that my older children's biological mother continues to abuse them almost without any recourse from the courts. But this dream was not about Carter, or the older 2. Then I had to face it... I have a fear that God will take Hailey.

I stood over my son and prayed for his resurrection but that wasn't God's plan. Last night I was listening to someone recall how their ferret was raised from the dead. They were serious and I have no reason not to believe them. Was Carter worth less than that ferret? Why could Peter do it? Why was Lazarus raised? What made my request any less valid than theirs?

All I can do is return to this: I don't have to understand to know that God is Holy.

Father, give me wisdom. I want you to have this for your glory.

The idea...

So here we are sitting in church, holding hands, singing Kumbaya (sp) and just thinking to ourselves how COOL it is to be a Christian - how AWESOME it is that the creator of the universe is our adopted father - how much He loves us and protects us - how SAFE we are in His arms. After all, Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In another place, Malachi 3:10 the Lord says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Wow. Jesus healed so many... a blind man, a leper, several lame, sick, crippled, even the dead. He gave His disciples similar powers and even the authority to cast out demons. He offered His own life so that we can be with Him forever. Surely if we just do as he has asked us to do we will be financially secure and be a people who are immune from suffering.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." NIV

This has been the hardest year of my life bar none. I have what feels like a failed real estate venture (though it seems that I have managed to stop the finacial hemorrhaging to an extent at east for now), I had my mid life crisis (glad to get that out of the way!) am going back to court over my oldest children's safety, and most recently I lost my 16 month old son to a yet unknown infection. That has placed a strain on my family and marraige like I have never experienced before.

I have answered your call Lord in church leadership. Doesn't that offer me some level of protection?!?!? Some kind of hardship amnesty?

In Romans, Paul says that God works for the good of those who love him. It does not say that all who love God will only receive good things. When I look at our examples in the New Testament, I see situation upon situation where one who was in direct service to God was being beaten, stoned, whipped, or executed. Where did i get the idea that I would be safe? Stephen was stoned to death, Paul beaten and stoned frequently before he was finally executed, I read somewhere that Peter was crucified (upside down I think), Jesus himself was tortured and executed, countless missionaries have been and are even now being martyred all in the progression and work of the Kingdom.

The idea that we as Christians are immune to tragedy is errant at best if not absurd altogether.


How do I resolve Jeremiah, Malachi, and the healing's of Jesus with my present situation? I don't know. But I know this...

I do not have to understand to know that GOD IS HOLY.

I do know He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you".
I do know He said He will give me peace - even in the midst of my dead, toddler son.

I welcome your peace Lord.

I have more to say on this but it is late. I'll write more later.