Nightmares

I was told to expect a lot of things but somebody forgot to tell me about the nightmares.

Jen and I had a really good weekend with some fun activities. I have been trying to ease off the medicine that helps me sleep and I figured this was a good weekend to do that. I wasn't too sad, in fact I was rather peaceful and happy which was nice for a change since this all happened.

I drifted off to sleep rather well but somewhere in the night I dreamed that I had taken Hailey to the doctors for her flu shot. Apparently it was a nursing school and the lady who was going to administer the shot was a student.

I began by comforting Hailey and getting her to turn her head to look at me and not the shot. The nurse started by slapping and beating on Hailey's arm as if to tenderize it. I objected but she said it was necessary for this shot to take effect. I comforted Hailey and got her to look at me again. Next the nurse gets the needle and instead of a quick plunge she slowly guides the needle in. It is very painful to Hailey who pulls her arm away. This bends the needle which did not get fully removed. I expected the nurse to remove it, get a new needle, and retry but instead she continues to probe with that one and even aggressively gets a second one in as well. It is all terribly painful for Hailey, I am IRATE and begin DEMANDING the nurse remove the needles from my daughters arm. I had to get belligerent but she finally did.
I was so mad that i took Hailey with me to go find a doctor to file a complaint. In the midst of all of this Hailey got separated from me and I loose her. The doctor and I looked for her in a panic. This goes on for a while. We finally found her in a waiting room where she was sobbing. I woke up at that point.

I was so disturbed. I wanted to go in and hold her, to check on her as she slept but I didn't want to wake her.

That dream was more vivid than I usually have. Most of the time they are abstract, morphing from idea to idea, scene to scene, theme to theme and they not usually visually clear either. This one was so disturbing b/c it was as if I was there!! It was crystal clear. My emotions were present. It was ME yelling at the nurse, panicking at Hailey's disappearance.

I have been pondering why I had that dream. Of course, I am sure some of it was projections from seeing Carter being treated like a pin cushion in his last hours, when i did object to the nurses and told them they had ONE more try and that was it because he was DONE getting sticks! It probably also came from watching as they beat on his chest when he coded. I also wonder if it had to do with my frustration that my older children's biological mother continues to abuse them almost without any recourse from the courts. But this dream was not about Carter, or the older 2. Then I had to face it... I have a fear that God will take Hailey.

I stood over my son and prayed for his resurrection but that wasn't God's plan. Last night I was listening to someone recall how their ferret was raised from the dead. They were serious and I have no reason not to believe them. Was Carter worth less than that ferret? Why could Peter do it? Why was Lazarus raised? What made my request any less valid than theirs?

All I can do is return to this: I don't have to understand to know that God is Holy.

Father, give me wisdom. I want you to have this for your glory.