As much as I hate to admit it

I have been so far down.
I get to a point where i question God.
Not at Him, but OF Him.
Why would a loving God have allowed this to happen?
Carter was loved. He was wanted. It wasn't like he was an orphan or pushed aside in our family. Even with all of his medical issues early on he still wasn't a burden and we loved him. With all of the advances in technology and our modern civilized society... We had the tools to save him. I think anyway. He didn't deserve this.

I ask myself if there really is a god. I grapple with the thought that if that was the case He either let this happened or didn't care. Both of those seem harsh to me. I see families where the kids aren't wanted but they are allowed to live. This just doesnt seem FAIR!

I hate the rationalizations this situation has brought me to at times.

and so I sulk.

...

then when I have had enough solitude and I feel this God shaped vacuum I listen.

He tells me, reminds me, that not even 200 years ago to loose a child was common if not expected. In some places today the infant mortality rate is almost as high as 1 in 3. The fact that He saved Hailey's life when she had intussusception was a gift. The fact that my oldest two are healthy is a gift. And then I feel like Job. Where was I when He was forming the foundations of the world?

So I remember that I am not alone. Not only with other parents that have lost but with my Heavenly Father who also faced a loss once.

So Jon, quit your gripen, stand up, brush off your pants and lets get back to work.

I am so sorry Lord for doubting you.
But if it is OK with you Ill keep my knees dirty.