I know how you feel

Mark Harris has a song called Wish You Were Here and it is about someone who has died and is in Heaven calling back to us not to cry for them because they are in the most amazing place and you will join them someday. That song really spoke to Jen and she asked me to listen to it.

It made me angry.

It is a beautiful song and the writer speaks hope and promise to the listener but it still made me angry. I feel insulted that someone who has no idea what I am going through has the audacity to tell me it is OK and I shouldn’t cry or feel bad because my child is in a better place and is waiting for me. It is not rational for me to be mad at that but for some reason I want to know the credentials of those who say, “I understand what you are going through”. I actually feel better when someone says, “I can’t imagine what you are going through right now” for some reason. If someone has been through a loss then I am able to give them credit and I can listen openly to their empathy. I can accept it then.

…

This Sunday Ken had us bow our heads and listen for God to speak to us on the topic of authentic love. As I began I was thanking God for how good He is. I remembered that this was supposed to be Him speaking to us so I stopped and cleared my mind.

He gave me a vision of a dark room with a gentle, warm spotlight focused on Carter sitting on Christ’s lap. It was crystal clear in my mind. Carter was hanging on to Jesus with his left arm and leaning out to me with his right. He had a big smile on his face and was reaching to touch index fingers with me like he would. He then leaned back into Christ and rubbed his face on Jesus’ chest. It was like he was loosing himself in the Lord. Then he looked back at me smiling and I noticed at that point there were 2 other spirit children, more transparent, sitting on Christ’s other knee looking up at Him and the vision was over. I got the impression was that those two were from the two miscarriages we had. As I sat there I cried joyfully at that gift.

I told my Heavenly Father, “Thank You.” I thought of the pain he must have felt as he lost his own Son on Calvary.

He said, “Now you know what it was like for me.”

“But you knew what was to come,” I responded… as if His foreknowledge of their reunion should have made it any less painful.

He said, “So do you.”

…

I can be such a jerk sometimes. Mark Harris was singing exactly what was to come whether he had experienced what I am going through or not. I know it is truth. I know that Heaven is waiting for me and Jesus is preparing a place for me. I welcome it. I don’t have a death wish. That is not what I mean. I don’t fear dying and when it is my time I welcome it – I know exactly where I am going. But there is much to live for.

Paul writes in Philippians Chapter 1,

“21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.”

I love this letter. Can you see him debating? He knows what is to come and it is SO much more beautiful than the present yet he desires to stay and work to bring more along with him.

I so look forward to Heaven. But I want it to be crowded up there :D so I have some work to do.

Thank you, Father. Your perspective is ALWAYS perfect.
I love you.