Atlas

There is this greek god Atlas who is pictured as the one holding the world on his shoulders. I have felt much like that recently.

Yesterday I represented Hope and MOSAIC to an organization that has been a tremendous blessing to us. I was so nervous b/c I didn't know what to expect. I felt silly at how I presented and later got real down on myself thinking that somehow I blew it and messed up our chances at some more good stuff in the future. Jen, as awesome as she is, reminded me that I was simply a willing vessel that God is using for His glory to whatever purpose He has.

I tried to hold on to that but later had it out with God b/c I had prayed for peace and for Him to speak through me. I basically told Him that I felt abandoned in that hour.

Then He revealed to me that in my nervousness I was disarming and almost amusing to them. He reminded me that it wasn't about me and that he HAD in fact done what He set out to do.

...

I have been falling behind at my office.
Our staff was cut from 13 to 5 but they didn't cut our work load. We still have issues with other shops not giving us what we need to do our part. Our performance has gone so low over the past year and a half that the customer has opted not to renew the contract. This means that I may not have a job come April of 2009.

...

The banks have created their own fiasco but I am now paying for it. I have some real estate investments that, while currently are rented, cost me considerably each month and when I go to refinance I get the run around b/c of the new rules. I HAVE PAID MY DEBTS but they still treat me poorly b/c investment properties are higher risk.

...

Carter's death anniversary is approaching.
It does weigh on me.

...

and there are other more private family things that burden me too. This is a public blog so I won't discuss them - but I grieve for things my older 2 are missing or doing or not doing.

...

So, I was carrying a full load yesterday and tried to go back to work and then got some relatively bad news. I hate to cry at work but I couldn't shut it off. I had to come home which costs me that much more money (I work by the hour).


So this globe on my shoulders right now it heavy.
I don't have the answers for it.
I am slowly, purposefully, did I say slowly (?) putting it in God's hands.

The pain doesn't stop

As the anniversary of his death approaches I think I am being more effected by it.
It is hard to sleep.
It is hard to trust God. Will He take any more of my children?
It is hard to share with some people.

I told someone that Jen and I were pregnant and then I was asked about Carter at work this week.
That person only knew it was sudden and fast so I proceeded to give the whole story.
I tried to give an account of what happened and they kept interrupting with things it reminded them of. Incidental things. Almost demeaning the whole experience.
I expressed the lessons I have learned from it.
They smiled and said congratulations.

???

That took me a second.

It was congrats on being pregnant.

I went back to my desk trying to hold it together.
Work can be distracting so I was successful.

But then there are the nights.

At some point I ave to turn off the TV, set down the books, turn out the lights...

There are no more distractions. I am forced to face it. I am forced to relive the images. I am crying as I write this. Would he have survived if i recognized the blue dots the night before? What if the kidney doctor did dialysis when his blood pressure was stable enough for it? Is it my duty to bring down the pediatrician that has dangerously misdiagnosed 2 of my children, both of which led to trips to CHKD, one of which resulted in death?

I cried to God las night that it is hard to trust Him.
How is faith effected by this?
How do I pray for healing for another when He didn't do it for my little one?

I have SEEN him heal.
I have even received his healing.
All I can say is at least Carter didn't know what was going on. He had no cognizance of it all. And as shaken as my faith is by this...

I just hope he is where I think he is.

It hurts to even say that but it is real and transparent.

It is just hard to hope right now.

Thank you for reading.
You encourage me to get this out and deal with it rather than bury it deep and then see what grows.

I'm not very strong right now.
Just honest.