Questions Unanswered

Jen says I have an unnatural obsession with reading news articles on child neglect / tragedy.

She asks me why I choose to read those articles when they surface on CNN, Drudge, or Google News. At times I am overwhelmed by the atrocities. Once I got so caught up in the story I felt an overwhelming sense of fear for the child that was assaulted. Sometimes I am numb and look at it clinically.

Always, I am looking for answers.

Was the child aware of what was going on? Did they have parents who loved them? How will they grow up (if still alive) and cope in life?

I want to know where the justice is when the child(ren) I love(d) get taken unwillingly yet ones exist that are not loved, abandoned, abused, even sometimes killed?

I wrench inside at what horrible things happen in our fallen world. I wrench harder when I try to resolve the love Jen and I have for our children and some of those have never been afforded their first breath - or even the one who had 15 months of breathing.

I don't have he answers.
I'm not sure I ever will.

One motif continues to repeat / replay (did I use that word right?) when I question.

Heavenly Father:

Those little ones are with me now. They have no memory of that experience. They are totally caught up in me now. There is no need to grieve them. Focus on those who remain.

I think of Jesus, when the children were coming up to him and appeared to be overwhelming him as his disciples tried to coral them away. I can see - EVEN FEEL - him smiling, with almost a laugh as he tells them, "Let the children come." What joy he has with them. What a connection. What a longing.

He then makes the profound statement to many who probably thought they had most of the answers - who had such knowledge - that in order to enter the Kingdom one had to come as a child comes.

Children have excitement. They have anticipation.




They have questions.




I am thankful that God is unsearchable (meaning He is SO vast that we can explore Him forever and still not know everything about Him).

I will continue to ask.
I will continue to realize that I may never know.

For Clarity

I was looking at my last post and realized I was so out of it I called Aug 15th the eve of Carter's death. For clarity, Aug 17th was when he died. I am still picking splinters out of the back of my head from the events leading up to this anniversary.

Carter's Eve

Today I held my wife's hand as she recovered.
I kissed her head, held her hand, and caressed her hair.

After I got her home and in bed I read my oldest daughter's blog.
Such imagery in her expression. It broke me.
When she returned from spending time with Mel I talked to her and held her.

My son came over later to watch me play Age Of Empires.
I know he likes it so I let him play too.
I just sat with him and touched him as he played.

My youngest said she was happy that she and I get to spend some time - just the two of us. As we played the caterpillar game she said sadly, "Daddy, I miss Carter".

It could be this big elephant in the corner. For some it is but for some it is very present and in the open.

What I know is that my family did not deserve this.
Each grieving in some way. None finding solace.

I relive the hours from a year ago. Jen does too.
Only this time we don't have the good meds to help us through.
I could ask for them - and I know they would - but they were hard to get off of so I have to say no.
That makes it raw.
I am on edge. My patience are almost nil.

Our doctor gave us some hope this week - he may have identified what the problem has been for the pregnancies - even Carter's early birth.

Do we take the risk just one more time?
I feel covering in some areas in my life - but not this one.
Do my children have it in them to endure it again?

I don't think tonight - or tomorrow especially - is the time to decide or even ponder that. It only makes me sick to wonder what if.

Grief

Gut wrenching, nauseating, face twisting grief.

I am so over this.

Though he slay me

Sunday is the first anniversary of my son Carter's death.

My folks came in to town to be here for it.

Jen had scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday (yesterday) so we could all go see what gender our next child will be. We invited her mom, had my folks, and Jon and Hailey present for the event.

Jen was already in the room with the doctor when I arrived but all of the family was in the waiting room.

I announced myself to the receptionist and withing moments I was requested back in the room with Jen. I had Hailey with me and they asked her to stay in the waiting room. The look on the nurse's face pretty much said it all.

As I enter the exam room the doctor says he doesn't see a heartbeat. He shows us where it should be and measures the baby. That day she was supposed to be 15 weeks, 5 days along. It measured 13 weeks 1 day.

After a slew of questions the doctor sends us over to the hospital for a second opinion.

The surgeon confirmed the findings. The baby is dead.


In our journey of healing, once we got pregnant there was some sense of replacing what was lost with Carter. I know nothing replaces him. This was just a new hope for us. It was to help us move on. Having a little one growing in her (I think anyway) would have helped on Sunday when we collectively visit Carter's grave (for the first time). That is not to be.

...

Job says to his mocking visitors, "Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him."

Job's losses were catastrophic. Job went from a normal life, even a satisfying, wealthy life, to sickly, on death's doorstep with nothing to his name. He lost those he loved, the place he called home, his wealth, his livelihood...

BUT NEVER DID JOB LOOSE HIS FAITH.

tears begin for me now

How?

By all accounts Job was devout. He loved God and served Him. What did he DO to DESERVE his situation?

Can I tell you this? IT WAS BECAUSE OF JOB'S LOVE FOR GOD THAT HE WAS GIVEN THAT LOSS.

God was proud of him like a father is proud of his children. Satan challenged God that the only reason Job was devout was because God gave him a cush life and blessed everything he did.

So God allowed Satan to strip him of everything he had - including his family. After this takes place Job says the following:

Job 1:21

Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.

And look at verse 22

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Boy have I been sinning.

I remember when we were planning Carter's funeral service when Ken asked us if there were any songs we wanted for that time and i replied with Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord. It just now hit me that that song comes from Job 1:21.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

...

Perspective is a beautiful thing.

In my honesty and realness I will tell you that I am angry. I feel betrayed. I don't feel like I have covering. I don't know how to teach my children that God is good. It may not be now that lesson needs to be taught. I don't know that I could teach it or they could receive it.

But there lucid moments when I can say,
Though He slay me, yet I will trust / hope in Him.

As another old song says,

I'll obey and serve You
I'll obey because I love You
I'll obey, my life is in Your hands
For it's the way to prove my love
When feelings go away
If it costs me everything, I'll obey

Where else would I go?
Seriously?

Atlas

There is this greek god Atlas who is pictured as the one holding the world on his shoulders. I have felt much like that recently.

Yesterday I represented Hope and MOSAIC to an organization that has been a tremendous blessing to us. I was so nervous b/c I didn't know what to expect. I felt silly at how I presented and later got real down on myself thinking that somehow I blew it and messed up our chances at some more good stuff in the future. Jen, as awesome as she is, reminded me that I was simply a willing vessel that God is using for His glory to whatever purpose He has.

I tried to hold on to that but later had it out with God b/c I had prayed for peace and for Him to speak through me. I basically told Him that I felt abandoned in that hour.

Then He revealed to me that in my nervousness I was disarming and almost amusing to them. He reminded me that it wasn't about me and that he HAD in fact done what He set out to do.

...

I have been falling behind at my office.
Our staff was cut from 13 to 5 but they didn't cut our work load. We still have issues with other shops not giving us what we need to do our part. Our performance has gone so low over the past year and a half that the customer has opted not to renew the contract. This means that I may not have a job come April of 2009.

...

The banks have created their own fiasco but I am now paying for it. I have some real estate investments that, while currently are rented, cost me considerably each month and when I go to refinance I get the run around b/c of the new rules. I HAVE PAID MY DEBTS but they still treat me poorly b/c investment properties are higher risk.

...

Carter's death anniversary is approaching.
It does weigh on me.

...

and there are other more private family things that burden me too. This is a public blog so I won't discuss them - but I grieve for things my older 2 are missing or doing or not doing.

...

So, I was carrying a full load yesterday and tried to go back to work and then got some relatively bad news. I hate to cry at work but I couldn't shut it off. I had to come home which costs me that much more money (I work by the hour).


So this globe on my shoulders right now it heavy.
I don't have the answers for it.
I am slowly, purposefully, did I say slowly (?) putting it in God's hands.

The pain doesn't stop

As the anniversary of his death approaches I think I am being more effected by it.
It is hard to sleep.
It is hard to trust God. Will He take any more of my children?
It is hard to share with some people.

I told someone that Jen and I were pregnant and then I was asked about Carter at work this week.
That person only knew it was sudden and fast so I proceeded to give the whole story.
I tried to give an account of what happened and they kept interrupting with things it reminded them of. Incidental things. Almost demeaning the whole experience.
I expressed the lessons I have learned from it.
They smiled and said congratulations.

???

That took me a second.

It was congrats on being pregnant.

I went back to my desk trying to hold it together.
Work can be distracting so I was successful.

But then there are the nights.

At some point I ave to turn off the TV, set down the books, turn out the lights...

There are no more distractions. I am forced to face it. I am forced to relive the images. I am crying as I write this. Would he have survived if i recognized the blue dots the night before? What if the kidney doctor did dialysis when his blood pressure was stable enough for it? Is it my duty to bring down the pediatrician that has dangerously misdiagnosed 2 of my children, both of which led to trips to CHKD, one of which resulted in death?

I cried to God las night that it is hard to trust Him.
How is faith effected by this?
How do I pray for healing for another when He didn't do it for my little one?

I have SEEN him heal.
I have even received his healing.
All I can say is at least Carter didn't know what was going on. He had no cognizance of it all. And as shaken as my faith is by this...

I just hope he is where I think he is.

It hurts to even say that but it is real and transparent.

It is just hard to hope right now.

Thank you for reading.
You encourage me to get this out and deal with it rather than bury it deep and then see what grows.

I'm not very strong right now.
Just honest.

This has been a hard weekend

And I don't know why.

I do know that I was crying over him - remembering images - wishing I could have taken that pain off of him.

I have been to his grave 2 times now. He isn't there but I get to touch his marker - the last tangible reference of his body - and I cry. I miss him. No matter how much I say I am doing better, or that I have a peace about my role in his life, I still miss him.

When I look forward to what might be to come - we are trying to have another child - I feel passified in some way - which then makes me feel guilty. No one will ever take his place but will they help to fill the void he left? In some ways I think yes - and that, too, makes me feel guilty.

I guess I need to go back to the trusteeship vice ownership thing again b/c that answers these questions on its own.

I still miss him.

Letting go has been hard.

I have recently looked at his pictures and received joy. That is so nice compared to wanting to throw up - what it used to be.

I am so sorry buddy that I didn't know those blue dots were bad. I am so sorry I didn't recognize the blood in your vomit. I love you.

I don't even know if it would have made a difference. You weren't supposed to die anyway. I think the look on the doctor's face said it all - total shock and disbelief.

Well, when you get a chance there is someone I want you to introduce yourself to. His name is Seth and he is the son of a friend. Jesus can fill you in with the details.

Until it is my turn, learn all you can buddy. He is unsearchable. I look forward to hearing all about it - after I realize where I am and have been totally absorbed in the face of Christ for 10 or so thousand years.

I love you buddy.

Ownership

I have been doing better with all of this.
Not perfect, not over it, but better.

I was praying earlier this week and shared it with Jen and she said i needed to blog this.

I had joy as I was praising God for allowing me to be Carter's father for the time he was on earth. I told him it was an honor and thanked Him for letting Jen and I parent him while he was here. My perspective has had to shift - and I may have mentioned this before so I apologize for any duplication - it moved from that Carter was mine to that he (and all of my family) are God's and I am merely a trustee caring for them.

It is right for me to be protective and to make attachments in love with them but I have to remember that they are not mine. They are, have always been, and shall remain God's property. In that, He may use them as He wishes, and direct them to wherever He wishes - to include calling them home.

I still ask Him if I let Him down - it used to be if I let Carter down - but it has gone to asking God if I have let Him down in how I was a trustee over Carter. Could I have done something better? Should I have known that the blue dots were bad? Should i have looked differently at the evidence given me that Tuesday night?

And it comes back to... "Jon, Carter was meant to be in your family. He was also meant to come back to me when he did. He is with me now and can't take his eyes off of me."

That sounds about right.

I think there is another soul that God has planned for my family but I won't count on it as they, too, will be God's and not my own. My hope shall be focused on Him. That really makes a difference. I am amazed at how He never lets me down. His wisdom is unsearchable. I guess that is why Carter can't take his eyes off of Him. You go buddy. Learn all you can. You only have an eternity to do it in.

I'll see you soon.