Though he slay me

Sunday is the first anniversary of my son Carter's death.

My folks came in to town to be here for it.

Jen had scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday (yesterday) so we could all go see what gender our next child will be. We invited her mom, had my folks, and Jon and Hailey present for the event.

Jen was already in the room with the doctor when I arrived but all of the family was in the waiting room.

I announced myself to the receptionist and withing moments I was requested back in the room with Jen. I had Hailey with me and they asked her to stay in the waiting room. The look on the nurse's face pretty much said it all.

As I enter the exam room the doctor says he doesn't see a heartbeat. He shows us where it should be and measures the baby. That day she was supposed to be 15 weeks, 5 days along. It measured 13 weeks 1 day.

After a slew of questions the doctor sends us over to the hospital for a second opinion.

The surgeon confirmed the findings. The baby is dead.


In our journey of healing, once we got pregnant there was some sense of replacing what was lost with Carter. I know nothing replaces him. This was just a new hope for us. It was to help us move on. Having a little one growing in her (I think anyway) would have helped on Sunday when we collectively visit Carter's grave (for the first time). That is not to be.

...

Job says to his mocking visitors, "Though He slay me, still I will trust in Him."

Job's losses were catastrophic. Job went from a normal life, even a satisfying, wealthy life, to sickly, on death's doorstep with nothing to his name. He lost those he loved, the place he called home, his wealth, his livelihood...

BUT NEVER DID JOB LOOSE HIS FAITH.

tears begin for me now

How?

By all accounts Job was devout. He loved God and served Him. What did he DO to DESERVE his situation?

Can I tell you this? IT WAS BECAUSE OF JOB'S LOVE FOR GOD THAT HE WAS GIVEN THAT LOSS.

God was proud of him like a father is proud of his children. Satan challenged God that the only reason Job was devout was because God gave him a cush life and blessed everything he did.

So God allowed Satan to strip him of everything he had - including his family. After this takes place Job says the following:

Job 1:21

Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.

And look at verse 22

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Boy have I been sinning.

I remember when we were planning Carter's funeral service when Ken asked us if there were any songs we wanted for that time and i replied with Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord. It just now hit me that that song comes from Job 1:21.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord blessed be your name

...

Perspective is a beautiful thing.

In my honesty and realness I will tell you that I am angry. I feel betrayed. I don't feel like I have covering. I don't know how to teach my children that God is good. It may not be now that lesson needs to be taught. I don't know that I could teach it or they could receive it.

But there lucid moments when I can say,
Though He slay me, yet I will trust / hope in Him.

As another old song says,

I'll obey and serve You
I'll obey because I love You
I'll obey, my life is in Your hands
For it's the way to prove my love
When feelings go away
If it costs me everything, I'll obey

Where else would I go?
Seriously?