Atlas

There is this greek god Atlas who is pictured as the one holding the world on his shoulders. I have felt much like that recently.

Yesterday I represented Hope and MOSAIC to an organization that has been a tremendous blessing to us. I was so nervous b/c I didn't know what to expect. I felt silly at how I presented and later got real down on myself thinking that somehow I blew it and messed up our chances at some more good stuff in the future. Jen, as awesome as she is, reminded me that I was simply a willing vessel that God is using for His glory to whatever purpose He has.

I tried to hold on to that but later had it out with God b/c I had prayed for peace and for Him to speak through me. I basically told Him that I felt abandoned in that hour.

Then He revealed to me that in my nervousness I was disarming and almost amusing to them. He reminded me that it wasn't about me and that he HAD in fact done what He set out to do.

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I have been falling behind at my office.
Our staff was cut from 13 to 5 but they didn't cut our work load. We still have issues with other shops not giving us what we need to do our part. Our performance has gone so low over the past year and a half that the customer has opted not to renew the contract. This means that I may not have a job come April of 2009.

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The banks have created their own fiasco but I am now paying for it. I have some real estate investments that, while currently are rented, cost me considerably each month and when I go to refinance I get the run around b/c of the new rules. I HAVE PAID MY DEBTS but they still treat me poorly b/c investment properties are higher risk.

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Carter's death anniversary is approaching.
It does weigh on me.

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and there are other more private family things that burden me too. This is a public blog so I won't discuss them - but I grieve for things my older 2 are missing or doing or not doing.

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So, I was carrying a full load yesterday and tried to go back to work and then got some relatively bad news. I hate to cry at work but I couldn't shut it off. I had to come home which costs me that much more money (I work by the hour).


So this globe on my shoulders right now it heavy.
I don't have the answers for it.
I am slowly, purposefully, did I say slowly (?) putting it in God's hands.