Carter's Eve

Today I held my wife's hand as she recovered.
I kissed her head, held her hand, and caressed her hair.

After I got her home and in bed I read my oldest daughter's blog.
Such imagery in her expression. It broke me.
When she returned from spending time with Mel I talked to her and held her.

My son came over later to watch me play Age Of Empires.
I know he likes it so I let him play too.
I just sat with him and touched him as he played.

My youngest said she was happy that she and I get to spend some time - just the two of us. As we played the caterpillar game she said sadly, "Daddy, I miss Carter".

It could be this big elephant in the corner. For some it is but for some it is very present and in the open.

What I know is that my family did not deserve this.
Each grieving in some way. None finding solace.

I relive the hours from a year ago. Jen does too.
Only this time we don't have the good meds to help us through.
I could ask for them - and I know they would - but they were hard to get off of so I have to say no.
That makes it raw.
I am on edge. My patience are almost nil.

Our doctor gave us some hope this week - he may have identified what the problem has been for the pregnancies - even Carter's early birth.

Do we take the risk just one more time?
I feel covering in some areas in my life - but not this one.
Do my children have it in them to endure it again?

I don't think tonight - or tomorrow especially - is the time to decide or even ponder that. It only makes me sick to wonder what if.