As the anniversary of his death approaches I think I am being more effected by it.
It is hard to sleep.
It is hard to trust God. Will He take any more of my children?
It is hard to share with some people.
I told someone that Jen and I were pregnant and then I was asked about Carter at work this week.
That person only knew it was sudden and fast so I proceeded to give the whole story.
I tried to give an account of what happened and they kept interrupting with things it reminded them of. Incidental things. Almost demeaning the whole experience.
I expressed the lessons I have learned from it.
They smiled and said congratulations.
???
That took me a second.
It was congrats on being pregnant.
I went back to my desk trying to hold it together.
Work can be distracting so I was successful.
But then there are the nights.
At some point I ave to turn off the TV, set down the books, turn out the lights...
There are no more distractions. I am forced to face it. I am forced to relive the images. I am crying as I write this. Would he have survived if i recognized the blue dots the night before? What if the kidney doctor did dialysis when his blood pressure was stable enough for it? Is it my duty to bring down the pediatrician that has dangerously misdiagnosed 2 of my children, both of which led to trips to CHKD, one of which resulted in death?
I cried to God las night that it is hard to trust Him.
How is faith effected by this?
How do I pray for healing for another when He didn't do it for my little one?
I have SEEN him heal.
I have even received his healing.
All I can say is at least Carter didn't know what was going on. He had no cognizance of it all. And as shaken as my faith is by this...
I just hope he is where I think he is.
It hurts to even say that but it is real and transparent.
It is just hard to hope right now.
Thank you for reading.
You encourage me to get this out and deal with it rather than bury it deep and then see what grows.
I'm not very strong right now.
Just honest.
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3 comments:
I am still praying for your family. I will never stop.
Your prayers are felt and your family loved.
Hi Jon, this is delayed comment on this. Was thinking about you both this morning. That interaction with your co-worker, well I'll spare my opinion since it's your blog!!! or maybe not! There is just something different about "going down to the depths" with the Father, and those who have not been there, or have chosen not to go, do not have the language, understanding, courage, empathy or LOVE that comes from that place. It is quite lonely actually a lot of times. I am sure you felt like a total alien when she said that (or maybe that she was the alien!!) ;) love your family lots!
Jennifer Brewer.
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