This has been a hard weekend

And I don't know why.

I do know that I was crying over him - remembering images - wishing I could have taken that pain off of him.

I have been to his grave 2 times now. He isn't there but I get to touch his marker - the last tangible reference of his body - and I cry. I miss him. No matter how much I say I am doing better, or that I have a peace about my role in his life, I still miss him.

When I look forward to what might be to come - we are trying to have another child - I feel passified in some way - which then makes me feel guilty. No one will ever take his place but will they help to fill the void he left? In some ways I think yes - and that, too, makes me feel guilty.

I guess I need to go back to the trusteeship vice ownership thing again b/c that answers these questions on its own.

I still miss him.

Letting go has been hard.

I have recently looked at his pictures and received joy. That is so nice compared to wanting to throw up - what it used to be.

I am so sorry buddy that I didn't know those blue dots were bad. I am so sorry I didn't recognize the blood in your vomit. I love you.

I don't even know if it would have made a difference. You weren't supposed to die anyway. I think the look on the doctor's face said it all - total shock and disbelief.

Well, when you get a chance there is someone I want you to introduce yourself to. His name is Seth and he is the son of a friend. Jesus can fill you in with the details.

Until it is my turn, learn all you can buddy. He is unsearchable. I look forward to hearing all about it - after I realize where I am and have been totally absorbed in the face of Christ for 10 or so thousand years.

I love you buddy.